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When disappointment defeats

December 20, 2007 — Leave a comment

The following is the third installment of a three-part series.

sad personDisappointment is one of those things that can truly discourage you, especially if it visits too often. We know that good things can even come out of bad things in life. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for that cloud’s silver lining.

However, there are times when the disappointments of life can just become too much for a person to deal with. Whether it’s due to relationships problems or something else, disappointment can take a toll on human psyche.

When this happens, disappointment can snowball into depression — with practically no warning at all. Then there’s a much bigger problem.

Don’t let disappointment defeat you! Here are a few helpful tips to help:

  • Stay connected to the people you love. Don’t isolate! Be willing to share your feelings with someone you can trust. If you don’t have anyone like that, do your best to find someone.
     
  • Write out your feelings. Journalling is a valuable therapeutic tool. (Even in the age of technology, don’t feel that you have to post it online for everyone to see. This is for you — not other people.)
     
  • Be aware of any changes in sleep or appetite. These can be warning signs of depression.
     
  • Focus on the things that bring you joy and peace. There are so many things that bog us down. We can’t afford to always focus on those. Otherwise, we’d all be gloomy. Think on the many blessings you have to be thankful for.
     
  • Do your best to have realistic expectations. I often joke that I’d rather expect little and be pleasantly surprised than expect a lot and be disappointed. But there really is some truth in that. You know the people and situations in your life. The more realistic you can be about both, the better prepared you’ll be to cope with whatever comes your way.

Even though disappointment is an inevitable part of life, it does not have to be the part with which we most closely identify. If you find yourself struggling to deal effectively with your disappointments in life, reach out to a trusted minister, counselor, or friend.

Life is much too short. Find a reason to enjoy it. . . the sooner, the better.

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Are there toxic people in your life?

December 18, 2007 — 2 Comments

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 The following is the second installment of a three-part series. 

There are many kinds of disappointment — and many different ways of dealing with it.

In my own life, I have frequently found that the best way to deal with disappointment is to spot it coming and head it off.

It is very true that everyone gets disappointed, and everyone disappoints. However, some people make a habit, even a lifestyle, of hurting others — intentional or not. That can take disappointment to a whole new level.

There are people in life who are simply not safe. I call them toxic. They spew ugliness and breed discontentment everywhere they go. They can contaminate your life like a poison, refusing to respect your personal boundaries and manipulating you either overtly or covertly to whichever position is most advantageous to themselves.

All of us know people like that, and many of us have someone in our circle of family or friends who fits that description. Yet, so many times we find ourselves knowing their character in our heads but believing in our hearts that they are actually going to be different this time. That’s what I call magical thinking.

When we see the evidence clearly and then consciously or unconsciously choose to completely disregard it, we again set ourselves up to be disappointed.

I see this a lot with children — particularly children of divorced parents. One young client used to cry every visit as he said, “But Daddy promised he would come to see me this week, and he didn’t.” His tears were tears of disappointment. Through the weeks and months, those tears were quietly replaced by glares of anger and signs of depression. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the little boy held on to the hope that his father would change. . . that somehow, almost miraculously, the dad would become a man of his word — someone who would deliver on his promise.

You know, adults are often just like that little boy. The wounds of our past can compromise the quality of our future, if we do not deal with them effectively. One of the best ways to deal with disappointment is to recognize the denial you embrace — denial that keeps you stuck, hoping that people will be different. . . and acting as though their toxicity has been sufficiently diluted so as to allow for meaningful relationship.

Continue Reading…

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