Today I offer four simple insights to help you keep connected to those who matter most:

1. Protect your time with God. After all, you’re the only one who can! And He is your most vital connection of all. When we forsake time in Bible study, prayer, meditation, and personal worship, we lose focus and perspective.
     
2. Preserve time with family. Quality time is important, but fifteen minutes of quality time does not substitute for a generous quantity of time together. In our fast-paced world, it’s important to make every moment count. Get your spouse and kids’ names on your calendar, and treat those appointments as if your life depends on them — because it does! (As an aside, just because you have cell service or wireless access, that doesn’t mean you have to be using it!)
       
3. Practice healthy boundaries with others. There are always people who want and need your time and attention. This is true in any walk of life but even moreso for those of us who are serving in full-time ministry. As I’ve said many times in the course of my writing, it’s imperative that we learn how to set appropriate priorities, knowing that we must say ‘no’ to some things in order to say ‘yes’ to others. No one can do everything, and sometimes we want to pretend that just isn’t so.
      
   And finally . . .
        
4. Practice good self-care. Proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise are essential not only for strong physical health but also for strong mental and emotional health as well. By taking care of yourself, you will be better able to invest meaningfully in the lives of others.

Maybe as you read through this short list, one or two of them spoke to you. If you’re like most people in this fast-paced world, you have some room for improvement. Don’t wait until you have time to make adjustments; that time will probably never come. Be proactive today, and begin experiencing the blessings that come from being more deeply connected to God and to those you love most.

IT’S YOUR TURN!

• What helps you stay connected where it matters most?
• How do you find balance in life?

I know this might seem a bit absurb, but I actually have to work at rest. You see, rest doesn’t come easy for me. I love my work. I love my family. I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes from striking things off a list, putting new ideas in action, and developing people and processes. Unfortunately though, all those things require another four-letter word: t-i-m-e. And for most people, it seems that time is one commodity that is in short supply.

Of course, the truth is that there have always been only 24 hours in a day. We just didn’t insist on packing them out, meeting ourselves coming and going, until finally we crashed and burned, having not one more ounce of energy to expend. That is, after all, by some standards a hallmark of success in our culture.

I’m personally ashamed sometimes when I realize how narrowly I set the margins in my own life . . . always working to squeeze in one more task, one more meeting, one more phone call — until I take a look around and realize that I’m all by myself. I think of a statement from author Michael Zigarelli, who gently reminds his readers that even Jesus knew the importance of rest and establishing boundaries. After all, for every place Jesus visited, he invariably had to say no to other invitations . . . other opportunities to do good things!

I hear so many ministers caution, “Don’t do what I did and live at the church.” Or, “Remember you’re not married to ministry.”

Those cautions have resonated loudly in my mind in recent weeks, as I’ve sought to come to grips with the demands of a new ministry setting. But Heather Zempel recently reminded me of the importance of keeping the Sabbath holy. Funny thing . . . for most ministers, the Sabbath is anything but a day of rest. That’s why we must be diligent to create adequate margin in life that allows those most important to always know — and never doubt — their value and significance. Moreover, that margin must allow for adequate time with our Creator . . . in personal worship, study, celebration, and meditation.

I think of two of the Ten Commandments: “You shall have no other gods before me”; and “Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.”

How often I’m guilty of breaking those two in one fell swoop.

I’m going to be working harder. You can count on that. Sure, margins have to be adjustable with the give and take of life. But I’m going to be working harder to make sure that my default margins allow enough space to breathe . . . to rest . . . to recreate . . . and to remember that one day when I’m gone, the world will most likely keep right on spinning, never missing a beat.

James 4:14 points it out clearly:

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

Lord Jesus, thank you for the energy and opportunities you give me to do your work. Help me daily to honor You not only in the way that I serve — but in the times when I simply remember to be still and know that You are God.

So, how do you maintain adequate margins in life?

Of course, as with anything else in life, honesty must be a core value of both partners, and not just a value given lip service but one that is practiced everyday. Honesty becomes even more important to those who have suffered the pain of infidelity.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, in their book Boundaries in Marriage, write:

Our notion of faithfulness in marriage is too often shallow. We generally think of it only in the physical realm. Yet, in many marriages spouses are physically faithful but not emotionally faithful. They are faithful with their bodies but not with their hearts. . . . There is little trust, little certainty, little saftey. Especially in religious circles, people think that if they are not sleeping with someone other than their spouse, they are being faithful. (p.131)

The authors contend that the notion of faithfulness must be applied to all areas of life — not just the sexual relationship.

Faithfulness within the context of marriage means giving yourself completely to someone. . . being willing to share all of life — the good, the bad, and the ugly. We know there are many ways to be unfaithful in marriage. Apart from having an all-out sexual encounter with another person, consider these possibilities:

• Communication. Engaging in secretive e-mails, IMs, text messages, or phone calls with someone other than your spouse. (Note: Consider it secretive if your partner doesn’t know about it!) The communications need not be sexual in nature to constitute a red flag. After all, “innocent” exchanges provide the foundation on which illicit affairs are built.
   
• Time. Spending excessive — or steadily increasing — amounts of time investing in things that are not related to the marriage relationship. These may include work, hobbies, friendships with others, the computer, etc.
   
• Money. Invariably money can be a big source of unfaithfulness as well. Does your partner know where your money is going? Oftentimes when couples struggle financially, it is in large part due to one partner’s on-the-side “investment” in unreported activities or interests. Over time these expenditures can leave the family struggling to meet basic needs.

Protecting the marriage must involve careful assessment of all areas of the relationship. It also must involve:

• Time together. This might seem like a real no-brainer, but you might be surprised at the number of couples that really don’t have much time together during the course of a normal week. Between hectic work schedules, school and extra-curricular activities, and church/community involvement, time together suffers tremendously. And without time together (both quality and quantity), communication and intimacy suffers as well. Time together should be a top priority for both partners.
   
• Honesty and openness. Be willing to share with your partner details of your day, including where you went, who you saw or talked to, things you bought, etc. When the need for privacy begins to outweigh the need for openness, trouble is often on the horizon. Those who struggle with being honest — or who are unable to appropriately receive honesty from their partner — may do well to seek some counseling in this area.
   
• Healthy boundaries. Cells have selectively permeable membranes (or boundaries) that allow good stuff in and keep bad stuff out. That kind of membrane preserves the integrity of the cell and allows it the best chance for survival. Like that cell, your marriage must have boundaries as well. We get some sense of what is good and bad from our faith experience and religious views. However, many areas regarding boundaries will be discovered through respectful discussions with your spouse. Boundaries ultimately determine the couples default settings for such things as opposite-sex friendships, interpersonal communication, and the like.

The call came in after 9:00 p.m. . . a friend terribly distraught over the spouse’s acknowledgement of infidelity which had come earlier that evening. Even though the affair had happened several years ago, the emotions of the moment were heart-wrenching indeed. Now in its wake lay deep-seated questions that beg for details the heart is hardly prepared to hear. . . not now. . . perhaps not ever.

In the moments of disclosure or discovery, time seems to stand still. The offended party may feel a burning sense of rage, a disturbing level of foolishness, and a nagging suspicion that maybe this is not the first time such an egregious act has taken place. The whole world seems to turn upside-down.

Infidelity is one of those things that seems increasingly rampant in our society. Counselors and attorneys are seeing more and more cases of infidelity, and the taboos against it seem to be disappearing. What innocently begins as friendship can quickly cross boundaries into something that has the capacity to shatter hearts and lives.

I happen to believe that the vast majority of married people took their vows seriously on their wedding day. And of those who break their vows, most would have thought such action unthinkable.

Infidelity is a serious offense because it rattles the very foundation on which relationships are built. Many people are living in marriages without trust. Whether for sheer financial convenience or obligation to their children, some couples have decided to stay together in veritable roommate situations — with no passion, no trust, no intimacy, and very little evidence of love. I do not condemn such a couple’s commitment to the “’til death do us part” section of their wedding vows. However, I believe that with help from a skillful and sensitive therapist, in many cases issues can be resolved and trust restored, paving the way for a marriage marked by intimacy, friendship, and faithfulness.

Infidelity has a bruising effect on individuals. And in an endlessly connected world, the avenues for infidelity are more available than ever before. With cell phones, e-mail, text messages, and chat, an invitation to unfaithfulness is as close as the push of a button. There are also more opportunities for blurred boundaries today, and it is necessary for couples to decide together what is acceptable and appropriate. One thing is certain: protective boundaries are necessary for marriages to survive and thrive in our ever-changing environment.

In cases of infidelity, the offended partner will often ask me, “What can I do to make sure he (or she) doesn’t do this again?” The fact of the matter is that we are ultimately only responsible for ourselves. While each one of us can do things — or not do things — that contribute to any lack of satisfaction in marriage, we must draw the line at taking responsibility for the actions of others — even those to whom we have pledged our faithfulness and devotion.

In my counseling practice, I tend to view all problems within a marriage as the couple’s problems. Even if only one person is responsible for a certain issue or offense, the issue will surely benefit from the efforts of both individuals to identify root causes, minimize the opportunity for recurrence or relapse, and set in place an environment conducive to accountability, healing, restoration, and success. No such environment is possible without the input and active engagement of both parties.

Marriage is a precious gift. Just as a gardener would never leave his most prized flower alone and exposed in a storm of wind, hail, and other extremes, those of us who are married must take special care to protect our most significant relationship in a society that finds marriage increasingly vulnerable.

Tomorrow we’ll look at some ways to protect our marriage relationships. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and insights.

My family and I just enjoyed a four-day visit from my mother. It’s always a treat for her to have the opportunity to be absorbed into our lives for a while, play with the grandkids, and have a change of scenery and pace.

As we were talking a few days ago, my mom reminded me of something that seems more true today than ever before. One of the things my mom has always said about her two sons is that they are passionate about truth and justice, even though we chose decidedly different paths in order to pursue those virtues. I am a minister and counselor; my brother is a law enforcement officer. We’re very different in many ways yet more alike than we’ll probably ever truly know.

Among those similarities is that innate calling to be fairminded, temperate, and honest. I may appear reserved, at first glance, but those who know me well can attest to a self-assured demeanor that rarely fails to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I was picked on by one too many people in junior high school. Whatever the case may be, at some point along life’s way, I decided that my voice was just as important as that of the next person. I simply cannot stand to see people mistreated by others.

I have learned in life that nice guys do not always have to finish last. Sometimes though, nice guys and girls (or men and women, if that makes you feel better) have trouble finding their voice and standing up for themselves.

Throughout the course of my ministry, I have frequently found myself serving in the role of advocate, looking out for the rights and interests of others. It’s not something I necessarily go out looking to do . . . it just seems to find me . . . or to fit me. It is a large part of who I am and how God has shaped me, and I celebrate His goodness each time I use my shape.

Perhaps God has gifted you to be an advocate for others as well. I must warn you though, it can be a very messy role. Yet, God will never call you to do anything that He does not equip you to accomplish in His power.

While our own sin must not be negated, the reality in life is that many of the problems we suffer are due to the sin and selfishness of other people. These people can come in a variety of forms, from “friend” to family member to co-worker or boss. One word, one ugly look, or one day of the silent treatment can be just another tool to exert power over others, reducing them to little more than pawns in the game of life.

Unfortunately, most of these control freaks roam freely about our society, rarely doing anything to cross legal boundaries. Instead, they just push their own agendas and their own ways right down the throats of others, like slithering snakes in search of easy prey.

Perhaps you think it’s pointless to try and stop these people. After all, they’re probably never going to change. That may be true, but it only takes one person doing the right thing to make a tremendous difference in the lives of many others. And here’s a little tidbit of information you can take to the bank: People can only have control over you if you allow them to. Think about it. Even in a conversation, do you realize that it’s the listener, not the speaker, who controls the process?

God may sometimes instruct you to turn the other cheek, but He does not typically call people to be doormats or human punching bags — verbally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. Maybe there is someone in your life who needs an advocate . . . a helper . . . a friend. How might you be used to help him or her?

Maybe you’re that person who has lost your voice. Maybe you’re a person who has allowed others to hurt or abuse you in ways that even those closest to you can’t see. Make today the day you draw a line in the sand and begin treating yourself with the respect you deserve as a human being.

Don’t let jerks get the best of you! Here are some ways to help with that:

1. Pray for the one who offends you — and for yourself, that you’ll know how and when to handle the situation. Never underestimate the power of prayer — especially where other people are concerned. Failure to pray can undermine even the most well-intentioned efforts.

2. Acknowledge things you do that allow others to mistreat or abuse you. Sometimes just taking the time to verbally confront the offender is enough to alter their pattern of behavior — or at least get them to move on to a less-resistant target.

3. Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your family from toxic and controlling people. You may benefit from talking with a counselor about how to help this process along.

4. Learn and practice assertiveness skills. Some people are just too nice. They give everyone the benefit of the doubt and never confront bad behavior. This is another area in which a counselor or minister can likely help.

Issues with toxic people constitute a vast amount of emotional time and energy. As you go through your day today, I hope you will find ways to stand up for what’s right — for others and yourself. In the end, you’ll be glad you did.

I’m convinced that even though jerks don’t always get justice on our time-table, they do ultimately receive justice. At least that helps me feel better about it all.