One of my dad’s favorite Christmas songs is Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas.” For many this year, the holidays are proving especially challenging — even blue, as the case may be. I know a number of people who have lost loved ones and are spending their first Christmas without a spouse, a child, a mother, a father, a sibling, a grandparent, or a best friend. For those who are grieving a loss, Christmastime can actually exacerbate their feelings of sadness and loneliness. Many of these people will make a brave effort to carry on. They may have managed to haul out the decorations, put up the tree, and listen to some festive music, but it’s just not the same.

The very memories that comfort can also evoke a deeper pain. Little things the person never even thought about before are now right at the forefront of the mind. They run across an ornament that held special meaning for their loved one, and their eyes begin to water. They hear a silly Christmas song that used to drive their loved one crazy — or a sappy movie often shared together — yet somehow this year that memory just underscores the sense of loss. They cook — or are served — a favorite holiday food their loved one just couldn’t do without, and it just doesn’t taste the same. During times like this we often discover a profound truth: The things we thought we loved most were really only loved because of the ones we shared them with.

There are many firsts that are hard to handle:

• Finding that stocking and knowing it probably doesn’t need to be hung this year.
• Addressing Christmas cards, signed without the deceased family member’s name. (This exercise is ten times worse when the annual card or letter is the means by which news of the death must be shared with long-distance friends and acquaintances.)
• Realizing that this year is the first year — maybe ever — that cards and/or gifts will not be exchanged with that special person.

Of course, death is not the only thing that can sour the holiday season. There are many parents dealing with devastating illnesses — for themselves or one of their children. Every effort may be made to make this Christmas the best one ever. After all, the unspoken fear is that this might be the last one they’ll have together. And even with all the effort put forward, the reality is that neither party may have enough energy to actually enjoy it.

I’ve been reminded this year that life is so incredibly precious. I attended one funeral service last week in Mississippi — and had another this week that I really should have attended. Over the next couple days I’ll attend two more. I have several friends and family members fighting extremely uphill battles with cancer — and other friends who are sitting with their terminally ill children, already in hospice care. For them, twinkling Christmas lights just don’t matter much right now.

With just a week or so left before Christmas Day, let me offer a few thoughts. Perhaps you are one of those people I’ve described above. If so, don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone grieves a little differently. Resist the urge to isolate yourself from the hustle and bustle around you. The sounds that seem so obnoxiously annoying this year will, in time, gain a new sense of significance that you’ll again appreciate. Joy can return to your hurting heart — and it will. Also, know that as silly as it might sound, a ‘scheduled cry time’ may take the edge off and allow you to be more engaged with those around you. You must find what works for you — and unfortunately that process is mainly trial-and-error.

If you’re someone who just stumbled upon this page and is thinking, “How depressing!”, then I congratulate you on your banner year — but remind you that we usually don’t know when we’ll transfer from joy-filled to grief-stricken. Tragedy is unpredictable, and loss is often unforeseen. Be sensitive to those in your life who are going through the holidays without someone they love. Jot them a note of encouragement, just to let them know you’re thinking about them and you care. Don’t worry, you won’t ‘remind’ them of their loss; they’re quite aware of it. It will mean more to them than you can possibly know to hear that someone remembers the hole in their heart.

In practicing grace, kindness, and generosity to those who are grieving, sad, burdened or downtrodden, you will embrace the very essence of what this season is all about. You can’t keep anyone from having a ‘blue Christmas,’ but you can help it be just a shade lighter. (See what one church in Tennessee is doing to minister to those who are hurting: Click Here)

IT’S YOUR TURN!

• Are you experiencing a blue Christmas this year? If so, what suggestions can you offer for how people can help you?
• Have you recently ministered to someone who is struggling this holiday season? How was your attempt at kindness received?

In an open letter posted to his website several years ago, Swindoll wrote:

The most recent studies available suggest that one out of every two people — that’s 50% — of the people sitting in our pews, are looking at and/or could be addicted to internet pornography. Stop and imagine the ugly but very real possibility of some of your own elders and deacons leaving your meeting and going home to surf porn. Think about youth leaders viewing it one minute, and leading a small group with your kids thirty minutes later. It’s ruining marriages, destroying relationships, harming youth, and hurting the body of Christ. . . . My friend, it’s time to do something about it. In fact, we need to start today. Making a difference requires action . . . . Our churches are in trouble. This is not the time to simply wait and pray.”

I have fought — and to a large extent still fight daily — the battle against pornography in my own life. It’s not a fun thing to talk about. It’s certainly not something that most people want to think about, especially as it relates to Christians and ministry leaders. However, not acknowledging and not talking about it is precisely why pornography is considered a silent epidemic that impacts far more men and women than you’d like to know. Sexual temptation really can be thought of as every man’s battle — or, for that matter, every person’s battle. Many studies and surveys have been conducted regarding sexual thoughts and behaviors. While the statistics do not always match, they do almost universally sound major alarms about the severity of the problem. Consider for a moment these statistics:

GENERAL STATISTICS

• 12% of internet websites are pornographic. That’s 24,644,172 sites! (United Families International)
• Every second $3,075.64 is spent on pornography — and 28,258 people are viewing porn. (UFI)
• Total porn industry revenue for 2006: $13.3 billion in the US; $97 billion worldwide.
• 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites. (UFI)
• 29% of born-again adults in the US feel that it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior. (Barna Group)
• 42% of adults believe it is “morally acceptable” to have a sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex to whom they are not married.
• The least popular day of the year for viewing porn is Thanksgiving. (UFI)
• The most popular day of the week for viewing porn is Sunday. (UFI)

REGARDING CLERGY

• 51% of pastors say cyber-pornography is a possible temptation; 37% say it is a current struggle. (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, December 2001)
• 20% of all the calls received on the Focus on the Family Pastoral Care Line are for help with issues such as pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.
• 33% of clergy admitted to having visited a sexually explicit website. Of those who had visited a pornographic site, 53% had visited such sites “a few times” in the past year, and 18% visit sexually explicit sites between a couple times a month and more than once a week.
• 57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation. (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005)

REGARDING MEN

• 70% of men from age 18-24 visit a pornographic site in a typical month. (UFI)
• 67% of 18-26-year-old men believe viewing pornography is acceptable.
• 66% of men in their 20′s and 30′s admit to being regular users of pornography.
• 20% of men admit to accessing pornography at work. (UFI)
• Half of unmarried men ages 20-29 said they would have sex without any interest in marriage.

REGARDING WOMEN

• 28% of those admitted to sexual addiction are women.
• 34% of female readers of Today’s Christian Woman‘s online newsletter admitted to intentionally accessing internet pornography — and 1 out of every 6 women, including Christians, struggles with an addiction to pornography.
• 49% of 18-26-year-old women believe viewing pornography is acceptable.
• 13% of women admit to accessing pornography at work. (UFI)

REGARDING FAMILIES

• 47% of Christian families said pornography is a problem in their home. (Focus on the Family, October 2003)
• The internet was a significant factor is 2 out of 3 divorces. (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 2003)
• 9 out of 10 children between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography on the internet, in most cases unintentionally. (London School of Economics, January 2002)
• Average age of first internet exposure to pornography: 11 (InternetFilterReview.com and UFI)
• Largest consumer of internet pornography: 12-17-year olds (various sources as of 2007)
• 1 in 7 children who use the internet have been sexually solicited. (InternetFilerReview.com 2005)
• 80% of 15-17-year-olds have had multiple hard-core exposures.

Over the last ten years there have been a number of positive attempts to proactively lift the veil from this dirty little secret. These include efforts by Promise Keepers, XXX Church, Every Man’s Battle, and Freedom Begins Here. I remain convinced, however, that we have much work left to do. It starts with me; it starts with you. I encourage you to take the following steps with regard to this issue:

1. Get your head out of the sand and acknowledge the reality of pornography’s influence in our sex-saturated society.
2. Examine your own life, and honestly assess your risk. Here’s a helpful tool for self-evaluation.
3. Purchase a filtering program for your computer, particularly any computers shared by your children — even occasionally.
4. If you struggle with sexually compulsive thoughts and/or behaviors, admit this truth to a same-sex friend who can help hold you accountable.  In fact, I urge you to have a set of friends to help keep you honest with yourself and with them. Here’s a great list of men’s accountability questions that can be customized as you see fit. Here are other accountability questions specific to men, women, couples, and teens. I strongly advise you to use an internet monitoring service that reports your internet activity to one or more accountability partners. I have used Covenant Eyes for years and highly recommend it.
5. Educate your children about the dangers of the internet (including smart phones and apps). I want my kids to learn about sex from me and my wife — not some online stranger. Don’t be afraid to start talking with them about it ‘too early.’ Chances are good that they already know more than you think.
6. Educate yourself about the ways kids can circumvent filtering.
7. Don’t let the enemy convince you that there’s nothing to worry about.

As I said in my dissertation, it’s the silence that fuels the shame that feeds the addiction. Commit to learn some things during this week of awareness. I challenge you to do  your own internet searches — but do so very carefully because you just might stumble upon something you don’t really want or need to see. David Platt, pastor of the Church at Brook Hills and author of Radical, will be addressing this issue and a variety of related topics during the Secret Church Simulcast this Friday, November 4. Click here to find a host site near you.

I pray that God will continue to use my own struggles to help other people. To Him alone be the glory!

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Here are some additional online resources you might find helpful:

• Full-page flyer explaining this awareness week and offering a number of helpful online resources
• Here’s one of the best articles I’ve ever read regarding sexual brokenness.
• Covenant Eyes – Internet monitoring and filtering services
• Breaking Free – blog of Covenant Eyes
• Great general information about the facts regarding pornography as well as resources to help you guide your children.
• Informative article about pornography’s effects on the brain, written by a neurosurgeon
• Blazing Grace – online resources for sexual addiction
• Knight’s Quest Ministries – online resources regarding internet safety; workshops and seminars for schools, churches, and organizations
• Bethesda Workshops – online resources, healing workshops for sexual addiction and co-addiction with Marnie Ferree
• Faithful and True Ministries – training, counseling, and workshops with Mark and Debbie Laaser
• The Harms of Pornography – from United Families International

Related prior posts:

• A Beer on the Bookshelf
• Reading Between the Lines
• Our Society’s #1 Problem

*Unspecified statistics come from the Archdiocese of Kansas City. For an updated and very detailed statistical report from Covenant Eyes, click here. Even more statistical data provided by Internet Filter Review can be found here — and by Pure Hope by clicking here.

As a child I was afraid of the usual things: the dark . . . the shadows in the night . . . the monsters under the bed. It seems kind of silly now, but those were really things that could make my hair stand on end. As an adult, I’ve found that fear never really goes away; rather, we tend to transfer it to other situations. I’m still afraid of heights to some extent. And I hate roller coasters. I don’t particularly like to fly either, although the latter two examples are probably more rooted in the loss of control experienced.

However, some of you know that in recent years I have learned what it is to suffer the effects of anxiety in my own life. For many years I counseled individuals with regard to anxiety and phobias, but it was not until I experienced it for myself that I could truly empathize. The heart palpitations. The profuse sweating. The overwhelming sense of impending doom. Not fun at all!

Truly there are so many things in today’s world that give way to some legitimate anxiety. Our 24-hour news stream sounds a lot like Matthew 24, does it not? Wars and rumors of wars. Earthquakes. Famines. And on and on and on.

During the recent AACC conference, Dr. Ken Nichols of ALIVE Ministries presented a talk on the subject of fear. He pointed out that the message we receive from the media is clear: “Be afraid. Be very afraid!” And even if you think the sky isn’t falling, realize that it will. Just keep watching, it will!

In my own life I find that my anxiety level is directly related to the amount of news and information I allow to come into my mind. The reality is that all of us would do well to limit our intake of negativity — and let’s face it: that means shutting off a good chunk of the news. The late ABC newsman Peter Jennings was once asked why the news coverage seemed so overwhelmingly tipped in favor of bad news. In his suave Canadian accent, he quickly offered what I found to be a most candid and thought-provoking reply: “We must report on the planes that crash — not the ones that land safely.”

Nichols in his talk on Friday pointed out several facts about fear that I believe bear repeating in this space:

• Fear is absolutely unavoidable.
• Fear is a normal part of our everyday life.
• Fear is not sin.
• Fear is always temporary.
• Fear can be a healthy source of motivation.
• Fear is used by God to grow us in our faith.
• Fear is used by Satan to defeat us.

Nichols says that the major challenge for believers is to learn “how to transform fear into faith.” He says that when we really dig into Scripture we can face our storms of life with an eternal perspective. Nichols writes, “We can experience calm not confusion; poise not panic; relaxed not restless; composed not controlled; peace not pain; faith not fear.”

Nichols says there is a direct relationship between fear and faith:

That is why there are hundreds of reminders of the need to be strong, take courage, stand fast, and don’t be afraid. I believe that God ordains fearful circumstances in life as an excellent opportunity to cultivate a deeper quality of faith. Our human experience is not fear or faith . . . it is fear and faith.”

When you get right down to it, there are three primary areas from which most of our fears radiate:

1. The Unknown
2. The Unexpected
3. The Unbearable

I don’t know about you, but I have some things even this week that could really drive me toward anxiety and fear. To be honest, since that’s the way I naturally seem to gravitate, I have to work extra hard to make sure I’m grounding myself in the promises of God’s Word. I’m incredibly blessed to have a team of prayer warriors who lift me up daily. These are men and women I trust with details that I simply can’t make available to just everyone. In times of weakness, I find strength in the care, concern, and prayers of others.

Perhaps you’re going through something right now that has you anxious and afraid. If so, let God help you make the transition from fear to faith. If you’ve never come to a place in your life where you reached out to Him, then you can do that right now — no matter where you are or what you’re facing. Discover new life today. And find the peace that only He can give to see you through the inevitable storms of life.

IT’S YOUR TURN!
In which areas of life do you experience the most fear or anxiety? How do you cope with that?

I have attended AACC events in the past from the vantage point of a clinical therapist. However, since I’m not doing private practice at this point in my life, this year I’m focusing on sessions related to leadership development, discipleship, and ministry.

This afternoon I spent several hours with Dr. Eric Scalise as he shared some particularly insightful information regarding transformational leadership. It’s kind of funny . . . I’m dealing with that on my own with leadership in my church. I think God is really wanting me to pay attention, so I think I will. God is speaking to me in many ways about my own life and ministry. One of the most significant things I’m hearing from Him is the importance of working to intentionally see people the way He sees them. Scalise helped me remember the fact that I’m an ambassador for Christ, which is an awesome responsibility. I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about that in future posts. I need to take some time to process it all.

Tonight was our first plenary session with Dr. Larry Crabb. He is an amazing man of God and a gifted communicator. He always challenges me to be more proactive about my own personal and spiritual growth. And yes, I need to do just that.

Michael O’Brien is leading worship at this year’s conference, and it’s an awesome thing indeed to raise voices of praise with that many men and women of God. I think of it as a preview of what heaven is going to be like.

What do I expect to gain from my time here? Well, here are a few of the things that I’m pondering in my mind:

• How does God want to use me to better connect with people who need to know Him? I can’t afford to become self-satisfied.
• What are my ‘next steps’ in ministry? Life transformation is a lifelong process.
• What God-sized tasks does He want me to tackle? It’s all about Him, remember?

Tomorrow I get to bask in the teaching of Gary Smalley, Jennifer Cisney, H. Norman Wright (one of my faves), Kenneth Nichols, and Michael Lyles. It will be like drinking from a fire hydrant, but I’m grateful for the opportunity.

IT’S YOUR TURN!
Who are some of your favorite speakers — and why?

I have counseled countless individuals through the years who have suffered unimaginable abuse at the hands of friends and family members — people they should have been able to trust. While Christ’s example of forgiveness establishes the pattern for our own lives, there are many things that are quite outside the realm of our influence and control. Chief among them is the fact that while God is able to forget as far as east is from west, He has designed our brains to remember. And that design is partly for our own protection. Another factor beyond our control is the capacity to somehow undo damage that has been done.

I submit that it is entirely possible to forgive someone (that is, to set the offense aside and hold them responsible no more) without restoring the relationship to its prior level of trust and intimacy. Forgiveness, after all, is really not about the other person; it’s about the one who was offended. It is ultimately a gift we give ourselves — the freedom to move on in light of the new reality of life with a scar of some sort to help us remember the risks associated with human relationships.

I would go a step further and say that there are certain situations in which forgiveness and relationship restoration are simply incompatible goals. As parents, for example, we are charged with the safety and protection of our children — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some offenses cut so deep that any fantasy of a three-strike rule for the offender must be immediately abandoned. To do anything else would be foolish, stupid, and wholly irresponsible.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Many offenders are masters of deception, smooth talkers, and incredible manipulators of truth. They will say and do absolutely anything to again exert their power and convince others that any natural consequences of their sin are unfair, unjust, and unwarranted.

I wish more than anything that these things were not true. I wish that the building blocks of life, once broken, could always be used to restore every relationship to its highest level of previous functioning. The truth is that fairy-tale endings are reserved for the movies, where a team of highly skilled writers, producers, and actors work together for hours on end to achieve an optimal outcome. The problem is that no relationship is perfect. No person is without sin. And no offense is too great to receive forgiveness.

Scripture says that so far as it depends on us, we are to be at peace with others. Sadly, that sometimes means forgiveness without restoration or reconciliation . . . a far cry from that fairy-tale ending our hearts yearn to experience and our souls long to see.

Forgiveness for most is a process, not a one-time action. With practice we hopefully learn to do it better with time. In the meantime we must accept its limitations just as we accept its liberty to move on.

Interact with Us!
What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Have you ever experienced a situation in which relationship restoration was not possible?

His family apparently became alarmed when he did not board a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles. As the family made contacts to his friends, they became even more alarmed to find that on top of a particularly despondent-sounding letter to them, Andrew had also sold or given away many of his possessions.

Today the family’s worst fears were confirmed when Andrew’s body was found in his beloved Stanley Park.

Andrew, like many people in our society, suffered from depression. He had reportedly stopped taking his medication a year or so ago. Andrew’s decision to take his life was clearly not a hasty choice. The path of his recent days was strewn with warning signs.

Suicide is described so often as “a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” yet it is a decision made by more than 33,000 Americans each year. In 2007, suicide was the third leading cause of death among people age 15-24. Overall in the U.S., suicide is the 11th leading cause of death, with one suicide every sixteen minutes — and an attempt almost every minute. (More facts and figures here.)

I often hear people say that they could not imagine taking their own life. However, I contend that suicidal thoughts are not strangers to most people. Thankfully the majority of suicidal thoughts can be characterized as fleeting — come and go. But when those thoughts begin to come and stay — even take root — then trouble is on the horizon.

Here are some of the thoughts that fuel suicidal behavior:

• “No one will miss me when I’m gone.”
• “Life is just not worth living.”
• “I’m just a screw-up.”
• “I’m just tired of fighting.”

I am certainly no stranger to suicidal thoughts. I remember those come-and-go thoughts when I was in ninth grade. Fortunately, the come-and-stay thoughts have never been a part of my life. But I think a lot of that has to do with my sense of connectedness to family and friends.

It’s no wonder that so many people consider suicide. Our technologically connected society has in many ways reduced friendship to a collection of tweets and status updates . . . which might help a person feel connected but does very little to speak to a hurting heart.

In a day and age marked by economic strife and increasing pressure on many fronts, I expect that we will see a rise in suicides over the next several years. Keep in mind though that there is no such thing as a ‘successful’ suicide attempt.

Andrew Koenig’s mother, Judith, said, “In his pain, he didn’t realize help was available to him.”

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please don’t think you are all alone. Help is available. If you know someone who may be considering suicide, by all means talk with them. One thing is for sure: talking about it will not give them the idea. Your concern might just be the reminder they need that someone truly does care.

Just think . . . in the time it has taken you to read this article,  as many as three people have tried to kill themselves. You can make a difference to someone who has lost hope. As you go through life, take time to listen to others. Take time to be a friend. Take time to care.

As you might imagine, I get lots of questions about transparency — as a minister, a counselor, and a writer. This post is a little longer than most because I wanted to cover the subject with some level of detail — and transparency!

Those of you who stop by to read my blog on a regular basis — and certainly those of you who know me well — understand that I’m a fairly transparent person. I don’t mind sharing my thoughts and feelings. I welcome civil discourse on most any topic. And I believe that sharing my own personal doubts and struggles provides an element of humanness to what could otherwise be just another ‘perfect person’ blog in cyberspace.

Now don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. There are people out there who are so sugary-sweet and sunshiny that if their house was burning down, they’d comment about how beautiful the flames were. They’re the ones you read who apparently have perfect jobs, perfect kids, a perfect spouse, and perfect relationships even with their in-laws.

If that’s the kind of thing you’re into, then go ahead and click away from here now. There’s nothing in my life that I consider to be perfect. God is still working on me — and apparently most of my friends, family, and acquaintances too. Now one could argue that I just need to make some new relationships. But I know that even the Lord Jesus Christ did not enjoy perfect relationships. Let’s see . . . Peter denied him . . . Judas betrayed him . . . the angry mob crucified him for crimes he did not commit. Yep, I’m pretty sure he struggled in that area too.

So on one end of the spectrum, we have those who apparently have perfect lives. On the other, we have those whose lives are in shambles, and they don’t mind sharing every last detail (because ‘inquiring minds want to know’ — or so we’ve been led to believe).

I would argue that neither extreme is really the most appropriate level of transparency for dealings with the general public. 

Several basic beliefs undergird my philosphy regarding personal transparency:

• No one is 100% transparent.
   
• Transparency is both an indicator of relationship trust as well as a primary factor in establishing and maintaining that trust.
   
• Transparency can be an indicator of courage, self-confidence, or stupidity. It is also an indicator of emotional intelligence.

For all these reasons, I believe that transparency must be utilized with a measure of common sense. Accountability is vital for growth as a Christian, but I am not obligated to share with everyone on the planet every time I sin or am tempted to sin. Such a high level of transparency should be reserved for those people whom you trust — and who will use that information to pray for and encourage you in your walk with the Lord. Too many times we have seen people exploit or belittle another’s transparency, leaving that person feeling scorned, ridiculed, and emotionally raped.

Now I realize that given our society’s fascination with the internet and social networking, in particular, there is a reasonable expectation of transparency by those who are leaders. And I think many leaders do a decent job of balancing transparency with discretion.

Let me just say here that in spite of my transparent nature and my proclivity for online networking, you will not see me posting extremely sensitive personal information on Twitter. If I take a trip, I’ll mention it after the fact rather than risk someone taking advantage of my family and home when they read that I’m out of town. Likewise I am extremely protective of my family. I do not put photos of my wife and kids out there for public consumption.

And while I am much easier to find on Facebook now that the site has enabled vanity usernames, I do not let just anyone be my friend on Facebook either. Why? Because it’s my information and my prerogative. To illustrate my point, one of my Twitter followers just the other day posted a tweet that begged her followers to ‘friend’ her on Facebook so that she could have more friends than her 23-year-old daughter. For the love! It’s not a competition, people! And why would anyone want just any Tom, Dick, and Harry posing as friends anyway? It just reeked of desperation.

At this point in time, Twitter is the primary online resource I use to keep a gauge on what’s going on in the world. My updates are unprotected, meaning that anyone anywhere can read what I’ve written. And yes, that means that I must think two or three times before I post something, lest it be misinterpreted or taken out of context.

Facebook, on the other hand, is the online resource I use to share information about my life — including family photos — with those people I know and trust. This group is generally limited to my friends, family, and church family. So if you read my blog or follow me on Twitter, that does not entitle you to also be my friend on Facebook. Call me crazy, if you will, but there is just too much risk in expanding one’s personal network to those who haven’t somehow earned the right to be included in it.

Here are my five principles to guide transparency:

1. Recognize that transparency is vital for building relationships. It’s one of the key qualities that makes a person authentic and human.
    
2. Reserve the highest level of transparency for those you know and trust. This is the kind of transparency that is necessary for relationships with close family, friends, and accountability partners. There are just some things you don’t want the whole world to know.
    
3. Always think about the potential risks of sharing personal thoughts and information. Remember that not everyone has your best interest at heart. Some would love to see you fail.
    
4. Always think about the potential risks of NOT sharing personal thoughts and information. Generally speaking, if a person has been transparent with you (and appears to be also exercising appopriateness in disclosure), then you should make an effort to match that level of transparency. Failure to be transparent with those who have trusted you will likely leave the other person feeling frustrated and untrusted.
    
5. When in doubt, don’t! Learn to trust your instincts when it comes to sharing with people, particularly online or in writing. Things have a way of biting you on the rear end when you least expect it!

In a world where the lines between personal and professional are increasingly blurry, I hope these principles will help you build healthy relationships. Just remember to balance your level of transparency with common sense! And never assume that just because someone wants you to trust them that they are, in fact, trustworthy.

What do you think? I always love hearing from my readers.

I didn’t get in too big a hurry to do anything about the guy. The poor thing was missing a tail as it was, and I just figured he’d be better left alone for a while. Still, my wife made her feelings well known that she didn’t want to find him on her pillow in the morning.

After a couple hours of working on the computer, I went back into the living room to check his status. He had moved several feet and was now perched on top of the front doorframe. He kept changing colors in an effort to convince me he wasn’t really there. But that strategy didn’t work. I got a plastic tumbler to catch him in so I could release him outside. But the little devil bolted for the window and hid behind the blinds. I obviously had not taken the time to build a trust relationship.

So, standing there in my boxers, I raised the window blinds. Hopefully most of the neighbors were already asleep and missed the show!

As I looked for my lizard friend, it seemed he had truly done a disappearing act. Then I spotted him, breathing hard and hanging upside-down at the very top of the inside window frame. I had him in a good spot to exit through the front door — if only I could get him down safely.

I went to the garage and found a mop. “That handle should work nicely,” I thought to myself. Of course, when I tried to “convince” him with that, he just got more scared and bolted again. Fortunately, he remained in the general area. Thinking quickly, I prepared an exit for him by opening the front door. I found a soft-bristled broom. With a little “encouragement” from me, I watched my little visitor make his way out onto the porch where he regained freedom — unharmed.

My job as a counselor and minister is not unlike this interaction with the lizard. Sometimes people just get into places they have no business being. That can be physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. But just because someone with good intentions comes along, that doesn’t mean they trust that right away.

Being a good helper is not only about having the right motives, but it also involves using the right tools. My first attempt with the misguided lizard was to capture him. . . . you know, take him from where he’d grown comfortable — even if led astray — and MAKE him go exactly where I thought he should. That was probably not the best tack for building a relationship with the poor guy.

While my desire never changed — to get him out of his fix unharmed — my methods did. As I softened my approach, he seemed a little less afraid. And with very soft touches and a little encouragement, he found his way back to a much more appropriate and nourishing environment.

Maybe you find yourself a lot like that lizard — stuck in a place where you just don’t belong – a place like depression, addiction, anxiety, unforgiveness, or abuse. Maybe you are trying to change your colors in order to keep from being noticed. I hope you will realize that there are helpers in your reach who have good intentions and appropriate tools to help you find your way.

Don’t keep hiding from the very ones most willing and able to guide you safely through. Do your part to get moving from where you are to where you want to be.

Just think: there’s an open door waiting for you to walk through. How about taking that first step of faith today?

Fireworks in McKinney, Texas - 7/4/2008

The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. My family and I, being quite patriotic, always manage to find fun ways to celebrate our nation’s birthday. This year we marked the occasion by grilling burgers in the backyard, making homemade ice cream, and enjoying a community fireworks show. And I’m so glad to have the freedom to do all those things.

As frustrated as I get with some of the leaders in our country, and as concerned as I am about some of the situations we are facing, I still believe that I am indeed privileged to live in a place where I enjoy so many freedoms. In fact, to be honest, in spite of my best efforts, I admit to regularly taking those freedoms for granted.

This year my heart has been heavy for those families who have lost loved ones in military service. I am incredibly grateful to all those protecting and defending our country — particularly to those who have paid the ultimate price for my freedom.

As much as I enjoy the Fourth of July with its stars and stripes, parades, patriotic music, military fly-overs, and fireworks, I realize that there are many people who cannot fully embrace freedom because they feel hostage to someone or something.

Just this week I met with a woman who was deeply steeped in guilt because of a prayer she had prayed that she believes nearly costs a family member his life. I believe that she has begun finding freedom from wrong beliefs and false guilt. That is worth celebrating.

Just this week I met with a couple who have been so paralyzed by “what ifs” and “if only”s in their marriage that there relationship had begun to wither and fade away. I believe that they are starting to practice grace toward one another and believe the best in each other. They are purposing to find a new sense of freedom in their marriage. That is worth celebrating.

Just this week I talked with a friend who was incredibly distressed over the manipulation and dishonesty of his boss — in this case, a pastor. As hurtful as the experience is for the whole family, they are doing what they need to do in order to find freedom from a toxic relationship. That is worth celebrating.

Almost every day I encounter someone who needs freedom from something. Sometimes it’s a woman trapped in a codependent relationship with a battering husband. Sometimes it’s a man living in bondage to sexual sin. Sometimes it’s a couple mired in unbelievable financial debt.

There are so many things that can rob a person of freedom: grief, fear, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, unforgiveness, sexual abuse, eating disorders, religious abuse. . . .the list could go on and on.

My prayer today is that freedom will be not something celebrated just one time every year — but something enjoyed in the deepest places of life all year long. If you find yourself struggling to break free from whatever is holding you back, don’t wait another minute to reach out for help and healing. That kind of decision will provide lasting effects long after the fireworks have faded, the music has stopped, and the crowd has gone home.

S-Bridge at Garvan Woodland Gardens in Hot Springs, Arkansas

This evening I spent some time helping my son learn to properly navigate his bike. Jackson is a good kid but one that is spoiled because so many things come easy to him. Consequently, he can get pretty frustrated when something takes a little more effort than he thinks should be the case. Bike riding is one of those things.

Tonight we were practicing curves. Unfortunately for his little knees, it turned out to be more about curbs. Still, curves are absolutely necessary skills to learn in riding a bike. I laughed out loud when he yelled to me from some distance away, “You know, it would be a lot easier if I could just go in straight lines!”

That was one of the simplest but most profound statements I’ve heard in quite a while. Think about it. He’s exactly right. Straight lines are always easier. You can almost manage straight lines in your sleep, as a matter of fact.

But curves — like alarm clocks — are a regular part of life. . . .something we can pretty well count on.

As my family and I traveled last week, we were frightened at times by the difficulty of the curves in the roads on which we traveled. But we were also captivated by the beauty of the landscape those crooked trails enabled us to enjoy.

At the start of a new week, I caution that you will almost definitely encounter some unforeseen curves in life. . . . perhaps a sickness or injury. . . perhaps a major problem at work. . . maybe a family crisis of some sort. I encourage you to anticipate such challenges and purpose within yourself even now to find meaning in such frustrating and disheartening situations.

And be grateful that you will encounter no curve in life that God did not see coming.