Just this week alone I’ve found myself in the path of a wide variety of people — people in my office, people on the street, people many states away via phone or internet — people who are . . .

. . . questioning the existence of God

. . . struggling to know He cares

. . . dealing with the reality of death

. . . grieving a complicated loss

. . . seeking to connect with God

. . . processing impending unemployment

. . . celebrating a newborn baby

. . . asking tough questions of God

. . . working to save their marriage

. . . dealing with rebellious kids

. . . contemplating the purpose of life

. . . hoping for the best

. . . expecting the worst

Sometimes there are no words.

Sometimes there are no actions needed.

Sometimes the tears just come. And I realize that no words are required. Only love. Only compassion. Only tenderness.

It’s at those times that God takes over, and I sense His Holy Spirit at work in me and around me.

And I know that He is good . . . faithful . . . completely in control.

And I remember that He is love.

And that His grace is enough for me . . . just as it is for you.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who controls our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. — Romans 8:26-27

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However, the reality is that most people experience real life in their relationship with their mother — a mixed bag of happy memories, sincere regrets, angry outbursts, complicated misunderstandings, periods of silence and so on.

Perhaps that’s why card shops like Hallmark, after so many years in business, still seem to struggle to produce just the right card for many well-intentioned shoppers. With Mother’s Day card categories like “Mom, You’re the Best,” “Across the Miles,” “Warm and Respectful,” “Humorous,” and “Simply Stated,” you’d think there could be just the right card somewhere in that long aisle.

However, year after year I have observed many fellow shoppers struggling to find that perfect card, and I’ve listened with interest to their under-the-breath grumbling as they frantically search for that seemingly elusive card.

“Too mushy.”

“She wasn’t religious.”

“No emotion at all in that one.”

“She’s my mother — not my wife.”

The truth is that only you can best articulate your thoughts and feelings about your Mom. And if you’re fortunate enough to still have a living mother with whom you actually communicate positively, then it is your words she wants to hear — not those of some professional card writer.

Mother’s Day is in many ways a day set aside each year to honor mothers, to shame children, to stigmatize the childless, and to provide retailers with a springtime sales bounce.

This year I hope you will mark this day however it best fits your own situation. Don’t let the movies, the commercials, the sappy stories, or even the preacher’s message dictate the way you acknowledge the day — or the way you decide not to acknowledge it.

Relationships are difficult. Life is messy. Not everyone has a reason to celebrate — or even to remember fondly.

I’m one of the lucky ones, I suppose. I plan to spend a few minutes visiting by phone with my mother, who has blessed my life in innumerable ways. I’ll treat my wife and mother of my children (along with the children themselves) to a nice Mother’s Day brunch. And if I know me well, I’ll end up feeling guilty for not being able to spend some actual time with my mom — and guilty for creating work for those moms who had to cook and serve my family. It’s true what they say: life isn’t fair.

I also plan to do a few other things on this day:

• I plan to send warm thoughts to those whose mothers have died in the last year, particularly young children.
• I will pray for those I know who want so badly to be parents but have found that dream impossible, at least to this point.
• I will offer some special prayers for those who opted to abort their ‘fetus’ — and never feel the warmth and pride of seeing that it actually was a baby human with feelings, with life, with a soul.
• I will pray especially that more of those who don’t want to be parents, for whatever reason, will be willing to give life to their child — and a treasured opportunity to those who do want to raise a child.
• I will think of those mothers whose children are risking their lives in military service that we might enjoy freedom.
• I will think of those whose mothers are behind bars.
• I will think of courageous single moms who are working multiple jobs in order to provide for their children — often without any special acknowledgement even on days like this.
• I will think of those people who are dealing with their mother’s serious physical or mental illness or chemical dependency.
• I will think of those moms of children with special needs. The ones I know demonstrate extraordinary strength and resilience in the face of persistent challenges.

If you find yourself fitting fairly snugly into one of those categories, then I pray God’s special blessings on you today. I hope you’ll feel some comfort knowing that there are millions of you in this great big world; not everybody gets to be ‘normal’ or ‘traditional.’

If you are reading this and classify yourself as one of the ‘normal’ folks for whom Mother’s Day presents no emotional ambivalence, no baggage, and no special issues, then count yourself blessed — and spend some time thinking and praying for someone who is struggling today. I have no doubt that you can think of at least one such individual.

However you choose to spend this day, I pray that you’ll be able to see the hand of God at work in your life on this second Sunday in May.

Tonight I have one fewer.

Friendship usually starts out very naturally. We connect with someone and find commons interests, common values, and a real sense of camaraderie begins to develop.

When I was in college, I became friends with a guy who was amazingly talented. As for potential, the sky was the limit. We spent a lot of time just hanging out together. Even my move to Texas did not do much to distance us. We continued to talk, to visit, and help keep each other accountable — walking the straight and narrow road, so to speak. Scripture says that as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. That characterized our friendship for quite a long time.

However, things were not always as they seemed. That’s often the case, isn’t it? My friend was struggling with something that left him feeling terribly alone, incredibly empty, and always searching for that which was missing or lacking in life. 

I watched him fight for a long time. I prayed with him. I prayed for him. I did my best to give godly counsel and biblical instruction. Most of you probably know by now where this is going.

At some point along the way, I began to realize that maybe the two of us didn’t have quite so much in common. Maybe we didn’t share the same values.

Over the past week, I was forced to confront my friend about his thinking and behavior — not with a goal of judging him but with an intent to help restore him. The problem with the truth is that it’s not always pretty. And no matter how much I tried to demonstrate respect and genuine concern for my friend, it became crystal clear that his primary interest was in me supporting personal choices that are clearly destructive.

I’m too much of a friend to do that.

In the ‘old days’ when friends parted ways, it was typically done in person or by phone. However, in today’s world of modern technology, such partings often take place through e-mail, text messages, or social networking sites — like Facebook. That’s what happened in this instance. I was ‘unfriended’ on Facebook by a person I truly care about. (I did confirm that my friend had ‘cut me out.’) This wasn’t one of those ‘friends’ who just knew of me in high school. . .or someone who requested to be my ‘friend’ just to see my online photo albums. This is someone I spent hours with — talking, laughing, and doing life. This is someone who was in my wedding. This is someone I considered a really good friend.

Sometimes things don’t turn out like we planned. That goes for relationships as well. 

Tonight I grieve the loss of a friend. It is clear to me that even if there is reconciliation at some point, things will never be the same again. And for that I grieve as well.

As I reflect on this situation, I take comfort in several things:

• I did my best to share God’s truth in love and with respect.
• I reminded my friend how much God loves him — and how much I love him as well.
• I left open the door for future communication. In fact, I would welcome it.

But the thing which brings me the most comfort is the knowledge that God is working out His purposes — even in this situation. He has a plan.

The one thing with which I struggle is the fact that no matter how much I want my friend to experience abundant joy, that is a choice that only he can make. I will continue to pray for him as he searches to find that joy and abiding peace that only Christ can give.

Please pray for my friend. . .that God would reveal Himself in undeniable ways.

I am fortunate to have a few friends who I know would walk on water for me if the situation required it. Although our lives are such that we may not talk every day now, there is still a very real sense in which we can pick up the phone at any point and know without a doubt that there will be a kind, caring, and invested person on the other end of the line.

As I meet with people on a regular basis through the context of church and counseling, I am burdened by the amazing lack of true friendships that many in our society have. Life is so busy in the booming Dallas area, as is the case in so many parts of the country. However, even in rural America it seems that people are becoming more and more disconnected from one another despite the many seemingly helpful advances in technology. Just because we have become more wired does not necessarily mean we have become more connected. The distinction is significant.

In a society marked by late works hours, closed garage doors, and privacy fences, I fear that we have perhaps insulated ourselves from one of the most powerful elements of life — friendship. Of course, having friendships and attachments to others is not enough. We must have the right kinds of friendships that help us up rather than pull us down.

Listen to these words from Scripture:

Iron sharpens iron,
So one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)

A friend loves at all times,
And a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)

The quality of our friendships is important. It has been said that a friend is someone who will help you move — and a real friend is someone who will help you move a body. Now, I’m not sure I would advocate that, but you get the idea.

Friends not only accept us, but they also enhance us, bringing out positive qualities and serving to refine us. They provide avenues for love, accountability, encouragement, and support. Who among us doesn’t need those things?

I have often heard that a person who can make it through life and count five good friends is truly blessed. After all, we can’t afford to invest the time and energy into a great number of people. But having a few close people to be our friends, confidants, and comrades is a blessing of inestimable worth.

Maybe today is a good day to evaluate your own friendships. Who do you call a friend? Who could you call at 3:00 a.m. without a second thought, should a need arise? Are you more concerned with having friends — or with being a friend? These are just a few questions that should get you going.

Perhaps you are surrounded by people but feeling more alone than ever before. You don’t have to go through life like that. Make today a time to evaluate the reasons for your situation — and to do something different. We must be proactive in this area. . . or the passage of time will find us empty and alone.

Don’t let that be true for you.

I’ve shared insights on disappointment with you in the past. To be sure, there are so many things that can lead us to feel disappointed, frustrated, and generally dissatisfied in life.

God is teaching me on a regular basis just how true the words of Scripture are. We have much work to do in order to think and act like Him. When faced with times of difficulty and frustration, the human response is to want to give up, or give in, or act as though nothing good is ever going to happen and no one is ever going to care. I think about the wonderfully dismal Disney character, Eeyore. “Oh, bother.”

Sometimes people are faced with challenging illnesses that play havoc not only with their bodies but also with their emotions. Cancer is certainly one of those illnesses, and my family has seen its impact in many ways through the years.

Today though I want to talk to you about a different kind of cancer — the cancer of discontentment.

Just as physical cancer destroys healthy human tissue, the cancer of discontentment eats away at the human spirit. Rather than expressing gratitude to God for the blessings of our lives, the cancer of discontentment leaves us focused only on those things we don’t have. I don’t know what that is for you. A better job? A different house? A new city to live in? A more loving marriage? A victory over some sort of addiction? The options really are endless.

In the same way that physical cancer can render the body unable to take in food and drink, the cancer of discontentment can render a person unable to take delight in those things that are designed to bring joy into our lives: the beauty of a gleaming sunrise; a call from a friend, just to say hello; a gentle word from a family member — perhaps when a harsh word may have been easier.

The costs of cancer are high. Anyone who has ever experienced this kind of disease can attest to that. However, I believe the costs of discontentment are ever higher.

Discontentment can rob a person of his freedom and quality of life. It can isolate him from friends and family members who choose simply to be with others who can actually give and receive love. For a Christian, discontentment can damage effectiveness in ministry. After all, no one enjoys a sourpuss — especially one who claims to have “new life” in Christ.

A little boy, anxious for Christmas, asked his mother time and time again, “Can I open just one present, please?” Every day, his mother told him no. Finally, in a moment of weakness, the exasperated mother said, “OK, son, but just one.” The little boy knew exactly which present he wanted to open. It was wrapped in beautiful, bright red paper and had a shiny, gold bow on top. As he tore open the package in three seconds’ time, the little boy began to cry when he saw that underneath the green tissue paper. . . was a package of white socks. He turned the box upside-down, hoping something else was hidden inside, but nothing could be found.

The disappointment of that little boy is the same feeling people can get when they encounter a Christian who looks the part on the outside but lacks the qualities of joy, peace, and contentment that should be hallmarks of the Christian life. Too many people spend way too much energy focusing on the things that are missing or lacking in life — so much so that they can miss the blessings that God intends for them to enjoy today.

The Apostle Paul, writing to the church at Philippi, put it this way:

“. . . for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed) in whatever state I am. I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want. I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].” (Philippians 4:11b-13, Amplified Bible)

When people have physical cancer, often their only recourse for healing is chemotherapy and radiation. However, those things don’t work for the cancer of discontentment. So what is the antidote for that?

A grateful heart — and an acknowledgement of God’s sovreignty in life — all of life, even those parts that just don’t make sense right now. His purpose and plan are perfect. His love is amazing, and His mercy knows no end. So even when you’re prone to argue those points, rest in the promises of His unchanging Word.

Disappointment is one of those things that can truly discourage you, especially if it visits too often. We know that good things can even come out of bad things in life. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for that cloud’s silver lining.

However, there are times when the disappointments of life can just become too much for a person to deal with. Whether it’s due to relationships problems or something else, disappointment can take a toll on human psyche.

When this happens, disappointment can snowball into depression — with practically no warning at all. Then there’s a much bigger problem.

Don’t let disappointment defeat you! Here are a few helpful tips to help:

• Stay connected to the people you love. Don’t isolate! Be willing to share your feelings with someone you can trust. If you don’t have anyone like that, do your best to find someone.
   
• Write out your feelings. Journalling is a valuable therapeutic tool. (Even in the age of technology, don’t feel that you have to post it online for everyone to see. This is for you — not other people.)
   
• Be aware of any changes in sleep or appetite. These can be warning signs of depression.
   
• Focus on the things that bring you joy and peace. There are so many things that bog us down. We can’t afford to always focus on those. Otherwise, we’d all be gloomy. Think on the many blessings you have to be thankful for.
   
• Do your best to have realistic expectations. I often joke that I’d rather expect little and be pleasantly surprised than expect a lot and be disappointed. But there really is some truth in that. You know the people and situations in your life. The more realistic you can be about both, the better prepared you’ll be to cope with whatever comes your way.

Even though disappointment is an inevitable part of life, it does not have to be the part with which we most closely identify. If you find yourself struggling to deal effectively with your disappointments in life, reach out to a trusted minister, counselor, or friend.

Life is much too short. Find a reason to enjoy it. . . the sooner, the better.

 The following is the second installment of a three-part series. 

There are many kinds of disappointment — and many different ways of dealing with it.

In my own life, I have frequently found that the best way to deal with disappointment is to spot it coming and head it off.

It is very true that everyone gets disappointed, and everyone disappoints. However, some people make a habit, even a lifestyle, of hurting others — intentional or not. That can take disappointment to a whole new level.

There are people in life who are simply not safe. I call them toxic. They spew ugliness and breed discontentment everywhere they go. They can contaminate your life like a poison, refusing to respect your personal boundaries and manipulating you either overtly or covertly to whichever position is most advantageous to themselves.

All of us know people like that, and many of us have someone in our circle of family or friends who fits that description. Yet, so many times we find ourselves knowing their character in our heads but believing in our hearts that they are actually going to be different this time. That’s what I call magical thinking.

When we see the evidence clearly and then consciously or unconsciously choose to completely disregard it, we again set ourselves up to be disappointed.

I see this a lot with children — particularly children of divorced parents. One young client used to cry every visit as he said, “But Daddy promised he would come to see me this week, and he didn’t.” His tears were tears of disappointment. Through the weeks and months, those tears were quietly replaced by glares of anger and signs of depression. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the little boy held on to the hope that his father would change. . . that somehow, almost miraculously, the dad would become a man of his word — someone who would deliver on his promise.

You know, adults are often just like that little boy. The wounds of our past can compromise the quality of our future, if we do not deal with them effectively. One of the best ways to deal with disappointment is to recognize the denial you embrace — denial that keeps you stuck, hoping that people will be different. . . and acting as though their toxicity has been sufficiently diluted so as to allow for meaningful relationship.

When we recognize the denial in our lives — and the way it entraps us — we can empower ourselves to make choices based on fact rather than fantasy. There are essentially two ways of handling people who repeatedly disappoint us: (1)We can continue the relationship with the toxic person, downwardly adjusting our expectations to reflect the new reality. Or, (2)we can discontinue the relationship with the toxic person, freeing us to invest our time and emotional energy in those who add quality and value to our lives.

Failure to deal appropriately with disappointment of this type can lead to more frequent and more intense encounters with it down the road, as we give the toxic person increasing power in our lives.

This is one of the most difficult things for many people to do, particularly Christian people. Due to its hallmark of loving God and loving others, the Christian faith can become a pious excuse for self-abuse. What in the world does that mean? It means that as Christians, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. We must first love ourselves — and sometimes the best way we can love ourselves is to cut toxic people out of our lives (or at least minimize contact with them). That’s a very tough thing to preach in Christian circles, but it’s true nonetheless.

Think of it this way: If you burn your hand on the stove, what is the best treatment?

a.) Do nothing
b.) Apply rubbing alcohol to your hand frequently
c.) Place your hand back on the stove to see if it is still hot
d.) Tell your hand that the stove was not really hot
e.) Allow your hand time to heal, applying antibacterial ointment to aid the process

Of course, the answer is E. It is frequently said that “time heals all wounds.” This is an outright lie! Time alone does not accomplish anything; it’s what we do with that time that counts.

Think about options A through D for a minute. They seem so silly, don’t they? Yet those really are ways that we approach our relational wounds in life. Sometimes we think that doing nothing is the answer. Sometimes we think that a quick confrontation is the answer. Sometimes we think going back to the person periodically to see if they’ve changed is the answer. And sometimes we think denying that there is a problem is the answer.

The fact of the matter is this: Only time, paired with appropriate treatment, can prevent secondary wounding from taking place. All the other options open us up to more problems — and possibly even deeper problems, particularly risk of infection.

How are you dealing with your disappointment with toxic people in your life? You don’t have to keep subjecting yourself to the same injuries over and over again. Breaking the cycle of hurtful experiences often requires the skill of a trained clinician. If you need help dealing with relational issues, please make a call to someone who can help you. It will take a lot of work, but you’ll be glad you did.

Sometimes you just don’t get what you want.

Sometimes life just doesn’t turn out like you planned.

That can leave you feeling disappointed.

Disappointment is one of those feelings that visits us from time to time — some more than others.

All of us have people or things in life that have left us feeling disappointed. Whether it was not getting exactly what we had hoped for under the Christmas tree, or having someone we love fail to deliver on a promise, disappointment presents itself in a wide variety of ways.

The Christmas season is a time when disappointment peaks for many people. I think it has something to do with the evaluative mind-set we take on toward the end of each calendar year. This is, after all, the time of year when every TV newsmagazine is starting to do its “year in review.”

Your disappointment may lie in something personal. You might not have even shared it with those closest to you. Maybe you find yourself feeling disappointed that you still aren’t really where you think you ought to be by this point in life. Maybe you had hoped for a bigger house, a different city, a better job, more friends, or less debt. (Maybe you had hoped for all those things!)

Your disappointment may lie in something relational. Maybe you had hoped this would be the year that you became closer to a brother or sister. . . or reconciled with a friend or family member.

Your disappointment may lie in something professional. Perhaps you have been passed over for a promotion — and fully expect to get no bonus, not even a ham, from your employer this year. Maybe the market jitters have caused your company to already announce that there will be no pay increases for next year.

Your disappointment may lie in something spiritual. Perhaps you are struggling to understand God’s purpose for your life. Maybe He didn’t answer a prayer the way you thought He should. You may even be questioning His existence.

Disappointment can take many forms. The ones mentioned herein are but a few examples. The thing about disappointment is that it can be a particularly challenging emotion to deal with. I’ve dealt with many people through the years who have had layer upon layer of disappointment to build up, creating an invisible and impermeable wall of separation between themselves and the outside world.

All of us get disappointed sometimes. How we respond to disappointment is a key to how much it impacts our daily living.

Tomorrow we’ll look at a special kind of disappointment and some ways to deal with it.