This morning, I removed myself from two Facebook causes which I truly believe in — all due to the hate and obscenities being expressed in the public forums. The sad thing is that many of those responsible for such boorish behavior claim to be Christians.

This afternoon, news broke of the murder of Dr. George Tiller in Kansas. As one of the few American medical doctors still performing late-term abortions, Dr. Tiller was no stranger to hate. His clinic was bombed in 1985, and he was shot outside his clinic in 1993. This morning, while passing out worship bulletins at his church, he was shot to death. Make no mistake: I am very pro-life. The kinds of abortions performed by Tiller are a most violent death. And I believe that like all of us, Tiller will have to give an account for his actions. Do I have serious questions about Tiller’s own spiritual condition and the tolerance of his church? Absolutely. But his death does not avenge the thousands of deaths caused through the years at his hands.

My major issue tonight is that I fully expect the man who was arrested for Tiller’s murder to be portrayed by our nation’s mainstream media as a conservative Christian. And that would likely be, at best, a mischaracterization.

I consider myself to be very well-informed in matters related to religion and politics — particularly as they impact marriage and family life. And I am no stranger to my elected officials.

However, Scripture clearly teaches that people will know we are Christians by our love.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35, ESV)

As I have days like today, watching supposed Christians live their lives in ways that are anything but Christlike, I have to shake my head and wonder how we’re doing with that benchmark.

Even when I disagree with people, I do my best to be honest but respectful, passionate but civil, and loving not hateful. For every hateful word and vitriolic action of a person who claims to be a Christian, the pressure mounts for all Christians to even more strongly demonstrate the love of Christ.

And so tonight I grieve for the Tiller family. Any loss is difficult; sudden and violent losses are even moreso. I grieve for the pro-life community, because today’s incident has earned them collectively yet another black mark. I grieve always for women who believe abortion to be the best available option. Having counseled many women and families who have suffered incredible emotional and psychological distress due to that terrible choice, I understand more than most the depth of pain and invisible scars that never heal.

But perhaps more than anything else, tonight I grieve for those ‘Christians’ who just don’t get it. . . those who don’t understand that two wrongs will never make a right, that we must not repay evil with evil, and that our lives as believers will always be under a microscope.

I do not advocate Christians being pacifists. I believe we are to stand for what is right — but to do so through the proper channels that God has made available to us through our system of government. And when we stand for those values, we can expect to find dissent and conflict with the prevailing culture.

Jesus told us that the world will hate us, because it hated Him first. (John 15:18-16:4) That should not be surprising at all. But God is love, and in Him is no darkness. (1 John 1:5) Yes, our nation’s biggest problem is a spiritual one. And it can only be resolved when those who identify as Christians begin passionately pursuing lives characterized by personal holiness, godly obedience, and lasting love.

Every time we choose to hate people rather than love people, we do serious harm to the cause of Christ — who God sent into this world to demonstrate His own amazing love for them! May we take special care to hate sin but love sinners — and to start by hating our own sin first. Only then will we experience the kind of repentance that is a hallmark of a growing disciple.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Cor. 13:13)

Of course, I couldn’t resist the urge to go in and tell her goodnight. She bounced gleefully in her bed, springing up to kiss me on the cheek.

There are many things I enjoy in life, but perhaps none so much as being a Dad. Now, don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean I necessarily enjoy the little clothes strewn all over the house. . . or the toys I invariably step on in the middle of the night. . . or the many hidden treasures that wait patiently to be discovered underneath the sofa cushions (and other very creative hiding places!).

But I absolutely LOVE being a Dad.

I hear so many parents complain about their children, practically wishing for a swift transition to adulthood. And I find that such a sad commentary on the state of the family. Sure, juggling kids’ homework and practice schedules and church activities is no walk in the park. It takes time, energy, and a great deal of commitment — not to mention patience.

One thing I know for sure: our attitude is a part of life we have the power to choose. I suppose I could focus on the noise, the mess, and the busyness that goes with being part of a family. I suppose I could focus on the sibling rivalry, the seemingly endless ow-ies, and the less-than-perfect housekeeping routine.

But in those times when I’m tempted to focus on such things, I remind myself that in a very short time, there will be no more little clothes. . . or noisy toys. . . or sofa surprises.

Yes, I fear that one day not too terribly far from now, I’ll rush in from a late appointment. . . and the delightful sound of “Daddy’s home!” will be only a distant memory.

I’m blessed beyond measure to have not just one but two jobs that I truly love. But the job I love the most is the one that requires the highest degree of commitment and provides the lowest amount of pay. Being a Dad is a full-time job — and a life-altering experience.

Every day.

I’m glad I’m home.

Of course, as with anything else in life, honesty must be a core value of both partners, and not just a value given lip service but one that is practiced everyday. Honesty becomes even more important to those who have suffered the pain of infidelity.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, in their book Boundaries in Marriage, write:

Our notion of faithfulness in marriage is too often shallow. We generally think of it only in the physical realm. Yet, in many marriages spouses are physically faithful but not emotionally faithful. They are faithful with their bodies but not with their hearts. . . . There is little trust, little certainty, little saftey. Especially in religious circles, people think that if they are not sleeping with someone other than their spouse, they are being faithful. (p.131)

The authors contend that the notion of faithfulness must be applied to all areas of life — not just the sexual relationship.

Faithfulness within the context of marriage means giving yourself completely to someone. . . being willing to share all of life — the good, the bad, and the ugly. We know there are many ways to be unfaithful in marriage. Apart from having an all-out sexual encounter with another person, consider these possibilities:

• Communication. Engaging in secretive e-mails, IMs, text messages, or phone calls with someone other than your spouse. (Note: Consider it secretive if your partner doesn’t know about it!) The communications need not be sexual in nature to constitute a red flag. After all, “innocent” exchanges provide the foundation on which illicit affairs are built.
   
• Time. Spending excessive — or steadily increasing — amounts of time investing in things that are not related to the marriage relationship. These may include work, hobbies, friendships with others, the computer, etc.
   
• Money. Invariably money can be a big source of unfaithfulness as well. Does your partner know where your money is going? Oftentimes when couples struggle financially, it is in large part due to one partner’s on-the-side “investment” in unreported activities or interests. Over time these expenditures can leave the family struggling to meet basic needs.

Protecting the marriage must involve careful assessment of all areas of the relationship. It also must involve:

• Time together. This might seem like a real no-brainer, but you might be surprised at the number of couples that really don’t have much time together during the course of a normal week. Between hectic work schedules, school and extra-curricular activities, and church/community involvement, time together suffers tremendously. And without time together (both quality and quantity), communication and intimacy suffers as well. Time together should be a top priority for both partners.
   
• Honesty and openness. Be willing to share with your partner details of your day, including where you went, who you saw or talked to, things you bought, etc. When the need for privacy begins to outweigh the need for openness, trouble is often on the horizon. Those who struggle with being honest — or who are unable to appropriately receive honesty from their partner — may do well to seek some counseling in this area.
   
• Healthy boundaries. Cells have selectively permeable membranes (or boundaries) that allow good stuff in and keep bad stuff out. That kind of membrane preserves the integrity of the cell and allows it the best chance for survival. Like that cell, your marriage must have boundaries as well. We get some sense of what is good and bad from our faith experience and religious views. However, many areas regarding boundaries will be discovered through respectful discussions with your spouse. Boundaries ultimately determine the couples default settings for such things as opposite-sex friendships, interpersonal communication, and the like.

The call came in after 9:00 p.m. . . a friend terribly distraught over the spouse’s acknowledgement of infidelity which had come earlier that evening. Even though the affair had happened several years ago, the emotions of the moment were heart-wrenching indeed. Now in its wake lay deep-seated questions that beg for details the heart is hardly prepared to hear. . . not now. . . perhaps not ever.

In the moments of disclosure or discovery, time seems to stand still. The offended party may feel a burning sense of rage, a disturbing level of foolishness, and a nagging suspicion that maybe this is not the first time such an egregious act has taken place. The whole world seems to turn upside-down.

Infidelity is one of those things that seems increasingly rampant in our society. Counselors and attorneys are seeing more and more cases of infidelity, and the taboos against it seem to be disappearing. What innocently begins as friendship can quickly cross boundaries into something that has the capacity to shatter hearts and lives.

I happen to believe that the vast majority of married people took their vows seriously on their wedding day. And of those who break their vows, most would have thought such action unthinkable.

Infidelity is a serious offense because it rattles the very foundation on which relationships are built. Many people are living in marriages without trust. Whether for sheer financial convenience or obligation to their children, some couples have decided to stay together in veritable roommate situations — with no passion, no trust, no intimacy, and very little evidence of love. I do not condemn such a couple’s commitment to the “’til death do us part” section of their wedding vows. However, I believe that with help from a skillful and sensitive therapist, in many cases issues can be resolved and trust restored, paving the way for a marriage marked by intimacy, friendship, and faithfulness.

Infidelity has a bruising effect on individuals. And in an endlessly connected world, the avenues for infidelity are more available than ever before. With cell phones, e-mail, text messages, and chat, an invitation to unfaithfulness is as close as the push of a button. There are also more opportunities for blurred boundaries today, and it is necessary for couples to decide together what is acceptable and appropriate. One thing is certain: protective boundaries are necessary for marriages to survive and thrive in our ever-changing environment.

In cases of infidelity, the offended partner will often ask me, “What can I do to make sure he (or she) doesn’t do this again?” The fact of the matter is that we are ultimately only responsible for ourselves. While each one of us can do things — or not do things — that contribute to any lack of satisfaction in marriage, we must draw the line at taking responsibility for the actions of others — even those to whom we have pledged our faithfulness and devotion.

In my counseling practice, I tend to view all problems within a marriage as the couple’s problems. Even if only one person is responsible for a certain issue or offense, the issue will surely benefit from the efforts of both individuals to identify root causes, minimize the opportunity for recurrence or relapse, and set in place an environment conducive to accountability, healing, restoration, and success. No such environment is possible without the input and active engagement of both parties.

Marriage is a precious gift. Just as a gardener would never leave his most prized flower alone and exposed in a storm of wind, hail, and other extremes, those of us who are married must take special care to protect our most significant relationship in a society that finds marriage increasingly vulnerable.

Tomorrow we’ll look at some ways to protect our marriage relationships. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and insights.

Of course, when I was dating, Valentine’s Day was something of a high-pressure holiday. I always felt obligated to buy flowers or gifts for the one I liked (yes, liked not loved because I didn’t love easily). In fact, I always sort of felt that those guys were smartest who broke up with their girlfriends right before Christmas — and got back together right after Valentine’s Day. . . definitely seems like the right thing to do budget-wise.

Now married with children, Valentine’s Day is still not the highest priority. Both my wife and I have a low threshold of tolerance for the super-sappy stuff that makes the holiday what it is. But we do celebrate our love, just in different ways and times.

So many people seem to acknowledge their partners only on those days when the expectations are high — namely, Valetine’s Day, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries. How much more meaningful it is to celebrate throughout the year.

 I’ve heard the joke about the guy whose wife asked him if he still loved her. He replied, “I told you ‘I do’ on our wedding day, and I’ll let you know if I change my mind.” What an incredible softy!

Relationships are like plants. If they are to grow and become healthy, regular attention must be shown. Plants require several key things in order to attain vitality and health, among them, food, water, and sunlight. The key to health and growth is regularity. Think about it. What if we only watered plants three or four times a year? Most would not survive very long, would they? What if we only allowed them sunlight on special occasions? They probably wouldn’t appear so green.

In your special relationships, I hope you’ll water regularly with a generous outpouring of kindness and love. Maybe that involves doing chores around the house — even ones you don’t particularly like. Maybe that involves pampering your partner with a special treat every so often.

I also hope you’ll feed your relationship with things that are healthy. The old saying “garbage in, garbage out” is true in marriage relationships too, you know. A steady diet of harsh words, anger, and discontent can eat away at your marriage. However, words of affirmation, quality time, and selflessness can build up your partner — and boost your relationship to new heights.

On this Valentine’s Day, is your significant relationship sunny and warm — or stagnant, stale, and steeped in discontent? It’s a sad commentary indeed that we often take better care of our cars than our marriages. Does your marriage need a tune-up? If so, consider making an investment in some counseling or enrichment classes — before the leaves of your relationship begin to wither any more. You’ll be glad you did.

Today I celebrate the love I share with my beautiful wife, who truly is one of God’s greatest gifts.

Happy Valentine’s Day!