I didn’t get in too big a hurry to do anything about the guy. The poor thing was missing a tail as it was, and I just figured he’d be better left alone for a while. Still, my wife made her feelings well known that she didn’t want to find him on her pillow in the morning.

After a couple hours of working on the computer, I went back into the living room to check his status. He had moved several feet and was now perched on top of the front doorframe. He kept changing colors in an effort to convince me he wasn’t really there. But that strategy didn’t work. I got a plastic tumbler to catch him in so I could release him outside. But the little devil bolted for the window and hid behind the blinds. I obviously had not taken the time to build a trust relationship.

So, standing there in my boxers, I raised the window blinds. Hopefully most of the neighbors were already asleep and missed the show!

As I looked for my lizard friend, it seemed he had truly done a disappearing act. Then I spotted him, breathing hard and hanging upside-down at the very top of the inside window frame. I had him in a good spot to exit through the front door — if only I could get him down safely.

I went to the garage and found a mop. “That handle should work nicely,” I thought to myself. Of course, when I tried to “convince” him with that, he just got more scared and bolted again. Fortunately, he remained in the general area. Thinking quickly, I prepared an exit for him by opening the front door. I found a soft-bristled broom. With a little “encouragement” from me, I watched my little visitor make his way out onto the porch where he regained freedom — unharmed.

My job as a counselor and minister is not unlike this interaction with the lizard. Sometimes people just get into places they have no business being. That can be physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. But just because someone with good intentions comes along, that doesn’t mean they trust that right away.

Being a good helper is not only about having the right motives, but it also involves using the right tools. My first attempt with the misguided lizard was to capture him. . . . you know, take him from where he’d grown comfortable — even if led astray — and MAKE him go exactly where I thought he should. That was probably not the best tack for building a relationship with the poor guy.

While my desire never changed — to get him out of his fix unharmed — my methods did. As I softened my approach, he seemed a little less afraid. And with very soft touches and a little encouragement, he found his way back to a much more appropriate and nourishing environment.

Maybe you find yourself a lot like that lizard — stuck in a place where you just don’t belong – a place like depression, addiction, anxiety, unforgiveness, or abuse. Maybe you are trying to change your colors in order to keep from being noticed. I hope you will realize that there are helpers in your reach who have good intentions and appropriate tools to help you find your way.

Don’t keep hiding from the very ones most willing and able to guide you safely through. Do your part to get moving from where you are to where you want to be.

Just think: there’s an open door waiting for you to walk through. How about taking that first step of faith today?

When the story broke this week of a local minister arrested in a sex sting operation, my heart sank. Thankfully I’ve moved beyond the point in life when my initial emotion was disgust. Today I felt compassion and grief — for any potential victims, for the minister, his family, and his congregation. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I release him in any way from the personal responsibility of extremely poor — and in this case, illegal — choices. I have just come to see things in a different light.

Upon the man’s arrest, items found in his car included condoms, a webcam, a hymnal, and a praise and worship CD. His wallet likely contained photos of his adult children and grandkids. All of this clearly points to the highly compartmentalized life that so commonly characterizes such troubled individuals.

I was deeply moved to see just how profoundly distraught this man was to find himself in such an unthinkable situation. The fact that a three-hour drive did not provide enough time to talk himself out of such a wayward plan seems to indicate the level of powerlessness — or perhaps invincibility — he felt.

And I can’t even begin to describe the disdain I feel for those who seem to revel in the pain of others. I’ve spoken of that in this forum before. We have no right to pass judgment on the spiritual condition of another person, yet it happens all the time. I understand the very real impact that hypocrisy has on the entire Christian community, but for Christians to post gloating and hateful messages does nothing to further the cause of Christ. If anything, it only deepens the pain and shame of the family.

Scripture teaches that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). And, there is no one righteous — not even one (Romans 3:10).

I’m going to say something that some will no doubt find disturbing. I believe that every person on our planet has within him- or herself the capacity for all kinds of evil. That’s because we are fallen. We are each one bad choice away from ruin — be that relationally, sexually, financially, or some other area of life. I am keenly aware of the truth of the phrase, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

Which brings me to the topic of goals.

Goals are things we hear a lot about, especially in work settings. And, I must admit, I sometimes find the steady work of identifying and evaluating goals to be a tedious process indeed. However, at the end of the day, I surmise that without goals, life would be largely left to chance. And, for me, life is just too precious to allow that to be the case.

As a minister and family therapist, I find myself constantly helping people identify their goals in life. Essentially, I want to understand where they have come from — what people, places, and experiences have shaped them — and where they want to be. These goals include a focus on both the short-term and the long-term.

Having worked as a therapist for a number of years, here are some goals I have NEVER heard:

• “I want to be a wife beater.”
• “I want to be an alcoholic.”
• “I want to be a child molester.”
• “I want to spend life in prison.”
• “I want to be so depressed that I eventually kill myself.”
• “I want to be addicted to drugs and pornography.”
• “I want to be a prostitute and live on the street.”
• “I want to bring disgrace to my family and church by having my arrest lead the evening news.”
• “I want to be a dead-beat dad.”
• “I want to fake my death and run off with money I embezzled from my employer.”

These all seem so very silly when they’re written as goal statements, don’t they? But the fact of the matter is that I have encountered each one of them in one form or another just in the past year alone.

It’s been said that when we fail to plan, we plan to fail. I think that is true for each person to whom the above “goal statements” belong. We must know what we want life to look like and work diligently to achieve those goals.

Perhaps this quick-read needs to be a wake-up call for you. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your life — and your goals, or lack thereof. What do you need in order to help get on track? Perhaps it’s an accountability partner or support group. Perhaps it’s a Bible-believing church. Perhaps it’s individual or family counseling. After all, having goals is simply not enough. Action must be taken to ensure that goals are attained.

Whatever your need, my prayer today is that you will not allow your lack of goals to one day be expressed between the lines of an unfulfilled dream, an unseemly news story, or an untimely obituary. After all, life has a funny way of writing outcome statements for all the world to read. Wouldn’t you much prefer to exercise some control over something so significant as that?

Those of you who have small children know how much trash can accumulate in a week’s time. And the stench of it can be indescribably rank. I have learned through the years that it is best to take out the trash on a more regular basis, even if the trash collectors don’t come but once a week. Still there are times when I get behind on my regular chores and find myself scrambling to round up all the trash on Sunday night.

Of course, I’m very grateful for the trash truck — and those who drive it. Just think what your home would look — and smell — like if the trash never went anywhere! Before long, the whole place would be uninhabitable and condemned by the city.

You know, our lives are a lot like that too. There are things that we want to hold onto, even when we know that doing so is bad for us. Maybe it’s a bad habit. Maybe it’s some kind of hurt. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is, I have a feeling you can name it. And, what’s worse — maybe you’ve held onto it so long that you don’t even notice the odor anymore.

Scripture has something to say about this too:

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. (1 Peter 2:1)

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

I’m sure you can come up with your own list of trash items that need to be taken out. What happens when we don’t rid ourselves of the filth? It inevitably pollutes our bodies, our families, and our home.

Maybe someone reading this has been so deeply wounded that keeping the trash close is a way of life. Maybe it’s even a strategy to repulse those who might get close enough to cause further harm. Do not be fooled: that protective strategy will ultimately destroy because it will also keep out those who just want to love, to listen, and to help grab a bag of trash and tidy up your life.

Maybe that wounded person is you.

As you go through this week, I hope you’ll be mindful of the times when you’re tempted to say, “Oh, I’ll throw that away later” or “Maybe I could use this for something. . .I’ll hold onto it awhile longer.”

Call it trash. Get rid of it daily. And begin living again — really living. The choice is yours.

Several months ago I visited a large bookstore to purchase a couple resources for clients struggling with sexual addiction. As I looked through the “Addiction and Recovery” section, I found a number of excellent resources from experts in the field. Some were based on the 12-step model. Others were more theory-based or homework-oriented.

You can imagine my surprise and dismay to find among those resources a number of sexually-charged books featuring a lot of bare flesh — in some cases, couples that were completely naked. I was absolutely outraged because I know how something like that can serve as a major source of frustration and temptation to one seeking to find sobriety and recovery.

I was so outraged, in fact, that I took the time to speak with the manager to explain my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, he seemed to pretty well dismiss my comments, opting to refer me to the big guns at the corporate office “where all the decisions are made.” So I did write them and have yet to hear back.

In a recent return visit to this same bookstore chain, I found the situation unchanged. Among books such as Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction, and The Sex Addiction Workbook, I found other resources on sexual positions and successful threesomes (whatever that may be), all featuring lots of skin.

Being the persistent person that I am, I again asked to speak with a manager. As I provided (perhaps in vain) a brief explanation of why the integration of these resources is completely inappropriate and, in fact, undermining to individuals in recovery, she gave me a brief explanation of why things were stocked as they were. “You see, there are just so many books on human sexuality that we had to continue the ‘Sexuality’ section onto the first two shelves of the ‘Addiction and Recovery’ section,” she said. Then, pointing to the top two shelves, she added, “Anyway, the ‘Recovery’ section really doesn’t begin until the third row.”

As I took a cursory glance at the other titles in that section, I prayed for a way to help her understand my passion for this issue. I saw titles related to eating disorders, sexual abuse, smoking, and codependency.

Then I saw several books related to alcoholism. And I had an epiphany of sorts. Pointing at the alcoholism resources, I told the manager, “The way you have all these books integrated, you might as well have a beer on the bookshelf right next to this book on overcoming alcoholism because to a sex addict, these sexuality resources are just as much a problem.”

She replied, “Oh, really? I think I get it now. I’ll talk with our other managers at our next staff meeting and see what we can do. But these decisions are made at our corporate office and based on the amount of shelf space purchased by the publishers, so it’s a pretty complicated thing to change.”

So is addiction. But hopefully at some point, a positive change will be made. For now though, I will continue to purchase therapeutic resources for my clients and re-sell them at cost — rather than sending them into the lion’s den to risk a major downward spiral.

The next time you visit your local bookstore, I encourage you to check out these sections and let me know what you find.

Toward the end of the meal, my son expressed a certain urgency to find a restroom. Of course, our server was nowhere in sight at that time, so I went on a little expedition to scout out the restrooms. Being the man that I am, I thought I could do fine without stopping for directions. I looked in a couple different seemingly logical places but to no avail. Finally, in an act of sheer desperation, I went to the hostess desk and asked.

The hostess guided us into a dimly-lit bar area that was bustling with activity. As I looked around the room, I could see no sign of a restroom. Then she took us around another corner into a hallway. . . still no sign. I had almost decided that she too was lost. Finally, the hostess directed us to take a left turn, where we finally found the restrooms, clearly marked by the familiar silhouettes of a man and a woman. By that point, I was really glad that my son’s urgency wasn’t TOO urgent, if you know what I mean.

How many times in life do we do this? We know the problem. We know what we need. We just don’t know how to get there.

I find that is frequently the case for those who come to a counseling session for the first time. Usually they have some indication of what the problem is. They frequently have some idea what they need. They simply struggle to know how to get from where they are to where they want to be.

Maybe you find yourself feeling that way from time to time. Like me in the restaurant, you look around in all the logical places only to find yourself increasingly frustrated by a growing sense of urgency and a still-unmet need. The good news is that you don’t have to walk circles in the dark. Have the courage to lay aside your pride and ask someone for help. As hard as that may be, particularly for men, it is one of the quickest ways to take care of yourself so that you can get to the things that bring joy and fulfillment in life.

The journey may be longer than you had hoped. The path may be darker than you’d like. But getting to where you want to be is an incredible accomplishment.

If you’re struggling today to find your way — through loss, through change, or through personal or relational chaos — I encourage you to seek out the help of a capable pastor or counselor.

Ignoring the problem will not make it go away; it will only make your journey longer, your mind more confused, and your spirit more anxious.